L is for?

            I think once I have my own place that I can do what I like with, I think I’ll decorate one room with leis. Pink and yellow specifically. They have a cheerfulness about them that eases my mind. And large pillows. Everywhere. Large soft pillows. I want a room that is practical in absolutely no way.

 

            That’s how easy it is with dreams isn’t it? You can decide anything without a thought. Change things at will, and live just on whim. Reality is much more difficult. My bedroom looks like a closet threw up on it, I’m eating cold sandwich turkey out of the package and morning seems a long way off. At least Sinatra is on my stereo. I guess he’s my little bit of whimsy in this madness.  I sound bitter, and maybe I am. Reality sucks.

 

            I have a Cosmo on the bed beside me. Honestly I love the magazine but the titles well, -THE SEX He’ll die for- A dirty little secret you never hear about marriage- 9 LOVE LIES Guys tell- Turn your man into a YOU pleasing sex genius- CAUGHT with their pants down- it sickens a little. My head hurts reading the titles and looking at the starlet so perfectly posed on the cover; this is not what love is.

 

            Sex sells. It’s eye catching, trendy, risqué, whatever. Love is an after-thought. It’s the “whoops!” that comes later. “Didn’t mean to have feelings for you sir!” it’s usually an accident. And it leaves us broken, searching for answers and only finding “THE SEX he’ll die for”. What a healthy world.

Fall from Grace

Hell tempted me
Placed an angel in my path
Heard the Voice of clarity
meant to ease that insecurity
A heart in constant agony
To make a deliberate choice
between the Right Thing
and the one that feels so right
Sing this prayer for me

I feel your heart begin to race
Just close those eyes
we’ll take that leap
Feel the wind against your face
As we fall, fall from grace.

It’s a song of silent surrender
And no one’s pleased
by our final release
Can’t climb that stairway again
But I have faith
Sing this prayer for me.

Could it be our absolution?
A sort of backwards restitution?
Almost a Divine Inspiration
… or was it something else?

I can’t really decide
I just feel that light inside
Oh my Angel of Agony…
This must be what you do to me
That touch of unexpected strength
Make this a mission of mercy
And I promise you I’ll go that length.
Please sing this prayer for me.

I feel your heart begin to race
Just close those eyes
We’ll take that leap
Feel the wind on your face
As we fall, fall from grace…

Tell me

Fight today fight tomorrow
Struggle for the sense to wait
Can’t explain this need
I spent my mind body spirit
On endeavors too hard to state
Traded sanity for clarity
But all’s I hold is fool’s gold
and this foggy mess inside.

Tell me
Tell me
What is it that I do
Because all’s I really want is just to be with you
Tell me
Tell me
What is it that I do
All’s I can feel is that you don’t want me to…

Sigh today sigh tomorrow
What a way to spend this day
Can’t explain this pain
Spent my heart spent my life
Love too real to forsake
Gave up grace, stepped up a pace
Searched for peace and quick release
Thoughts much too hard to take

Tell me
Tell me
What are you going to do
Because we just can’t stay this way
Tell me
Tell me
I need to be with you
But only if you mean it, and I don’t melt away

Tell me
Tell me
What is it that I do
Speak in riddles speak in rhyme
Tell me
Tell me
What are you going to do
My love…
my love are we running out of time?

What if everything IS exactly as it seems and we’ve all just been fooling ourselves this whole time?

Trust Today?

Trust is a strange thing. It can be something made so real, so intense that it becomes tangible. And anything tangible can be broken. It has various levels and tunnels and loopholes and catch twenty-two’s. I was just thinking today about the people in my life and how much and in what ways I trust them. Some people are just more trusting than others, giving it away freely. Others guard their trust more closely and give it away more rarely. I don’t know where I fall in those catagories. I trust people freely and I forgive quickly when trust is broken. I don’t think that’s a good thing though, sometimes it makes me a fool.

I would trust my life with a great many people. I think if my life was in danger a lot of those I know would step up and rise to the occasion. But a lot of those same people I dont think I could entrust my wallet to, or my house keys, or a pin number. What does that say about me? Or them? Perhaps it’s my own failing that does not allow me to place those responsiblities upon them. Or perhaps it’s their own character shortcomings. It’s really hard to judge.

“Do not trust all men, but trust men of worth; the former course is silly, the latter a mark of prudence.” – Democritus, Greek Philosopher (460 BC – 370 BC)

Thanks to a Friend

I’ve failed at a great many things. Sometimes only a little, sometimes astronomically. I have given up, I have have tried to the point of exhaustion and been forced to give up. On occasion I have put forth no, or little effort and failed, at other times I have given something my heart, soul and flesh and still failed. I’ve sometimes even made the same mistake repeatedly. It’s sort of the learning curve of.. well, life I suppose. It’s sort of what defines us as human. And while I have failed at being a friend, I will say that I have learned from those mistakes heartily. And I think I’ve also excelled at being a friend on occasion.

All’s I can say is that friendship is as relationships are, in the respect that they take work. Cultivation, heart and trust. All of the friends that I have who are truly close to me have weathered storms, and been worth it. Sometimes people can see you for what you are, all the mistakes and imperfections taken into account, and still love you despite it, or even because of it. And life just doesn’t get any better than that.

“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.”
- Bible: Ecclesiastes

Happy Belated Birthday Eric!!

Watch and wonder

A girl. Close to my age.Close to my height. She might have been a little taller. She had fake nails and a fake smile.  Eyes that showed too much and a heavy sigh. I tried not to pay attention to her, but it was difficult, because I wondered what her life was like. She crossed my line of vision at the bus stop. Only a moment. I didn’t even get a long look at her, as she walked past. But I had the distinct and unalterable feeling that she was disgusted at life. Maybe not always but definitely at that moment. She might have been horrified at her family for being secretive, or her friend for being spinless, or her lover for being ungrateful. Maybe it was a true crime against her or some imagined plight that really was non-existant. But real or imagined, there it was… in her face, her posture, her movement.

And I watched her for that moment, safely hidden in a haven of dark sunglasses, and wondered what others saw in me. What they deduced of my actions, speech and conduct. I wondered what conclusions a stranger would make at first glance. I tried to put myself in another’s shoes but I failed to see anything beyond my own bias view of myself. I realized how impossible it really is to take a step outside the box. Outside the comfortable circle of our own notions that we surround ourselves with (often incorrect notions I fear). So I gave up trying and just watched this girl walk away and gradually fade into the distance. I wondered most of all, despite the recent torment the plagued her, if she was happy.

Of course, it could all have been as simple as some bad seafood for lunch.

Echo

Frown at your weakness, it’s human – not personal
My failing and your victory
No one will tell this story
Like every man before you and
Every following after
So vain, so pitious
Time – The Father
So relentless
It’s Fashion to be grieved
and Style to be distraught
It’s Art to be depressed
but what if it’s all for naught?
The reality of those things blooms in the heart of the unfortunate soul
Without style without grace
Sanity, into the night, stole…
Question desperation and question jealousy
Like rot and decay smell on a corpse still fresh
The result is a heartless human
No soul, only flesh
It’s a journey to that state
call it obsession… or possesion
of the memories of distant past
Sometimes comforting, on occasion: alarming
but either is corrupting when dwelled on
repititiously, a droning voice in the back of your mind
Home movies that do not end
And those who were friends now look like fiends
Can you taste the tears
of hours and years?
A realization of the worst of fears
When the world held still
All in harmony
Not one single note off-key
it begs, it pleads, it haunts your memory
Is that what it means to be a person
or is it just an echo of humanity?

Judging a book

Everybody does it. You can be the most un-judgmental, unbias person and still… subconsiously or consiously, you make a snap judgment of somebody when you meet them for the first time based soley on their appearance.

It’s human nature.It can’t be helped. In a society where appearance comes first often enough to make a difference and morals, values, personality and talent come second… what are we to do?

We’ve been bombarded with it since childhood. We worship beauty, we praise fashion, we put so much emphasis on what meets the eye. Ugliness isn’t only frowned upon anymore, it’s mocked and criticized. I recently found myself judging someone based on what they looked like, on features they would have no control over. I caught myself mid-thought and it was like a bucket of cold water hitting me in the face. You know, that moment of self-realization when it hits you that you are, in fact, NOT the person you thought you were.

Does that make me a bad person? Does it make someone else a bad person if they judge me because I wear runners everywhere? It’s hard to call someone shallow when it’s something we all do. So we all put too much emphasis on appearance, but do we stick to our first impressions? I think that’s what differentiates people. When it hit me that I was judging this person before I knew them I decided right there to give them a chance. And it turned out that they were probably not a person I would associate with outside of the requirements of my job, but still… I gave them a chance.

All I’m saying is: Think twice.

Good Vs Evil

     “There is nothing good nor bad, but thinking makes it so” – Shakespeare wrote. When I read that I thought about how true it was and the irony of mankind (no matter what race, religion, or language) to put those labels on everything around us. I realized that most people would attest to the validity of that statement once they’d thought on it. We’d all see it was true but who would actually believe it? I’d admit it was a clear dose of reality but my heart wouldn’t be able to accept a contradiciton to something it had been conditioned with since childhood.

-Did you have a good time?

-Brush your teeth or you’ll have bad breath

-Be good for the babysitter

-Santa won’t come if you’re bad

When friends and I were young we didn’t have a defined picture of what being “good” meant, but we knew it had something to do with eating our vegetables and cleaning our rooms and not making a fuss at bedtime. What if everyone on the planet woke up tomorrow and decided that brussel sprouts were actually good? Would they still be bad?

I guess that’s too generic of an example.

What about wickedness? What used to mean Evil or Villainous, is now slang for Cool or Awesome. I guess it switched sides. What about Murder? The word has a Bad reputation. Even murderers would describe the act as a “bad” thing.

Mr. Adolf Hitler murdered thousands, and he had a whole country believing it was a good thing.

Kind of like the brussel sprouts huh? I wonder if enough people changed their minds about something, if it’s status can change. Is it truly only a state of mind that controls something as important as Good vs Evil?

It’s a scary thought.

Or is it only the fact that we thought it, that makes it scary?